Wednesday, May 18, 2011

What A Way To Wanna Be

I don't wanna wear that.
It only makes me look fat.
Time to tone my thighs-- gotta lose another size, yeah!
What a way to wanna be…

Being female, I know that one of the things we worry most about is how we look. I used to get a kick out of that Special K cereal commercial where all the guys were saying the girl things. The guy rises, reaches behind him and looks back and says, “Do these jeans make my butt look big?” Towards the end of the commercial a screen comes on that says: Men don’t obsess about these things. Why do we? I don’t know. But we do.

Personally, I think men worry about looks just as much as women do but stereotypically women are portrayed to worry more. I know both men and women who worry about their weight and how they look. Really, how can anyone avoid it? We’re a society obsessed with looks. Almost everyone worries at one time or another about how they look, especially as we get older. There’s the thinning hair, wrinkles where there once were none, bigger hips, no waist, sagging body parts, and the list goes on and on.

Because I am one of those stereotypical women who worry about looks, I decided to see what I could do about it. I glanced through some magazines and searched on the Internet for some tips. With what I found, already knew or had been told, I was ready. I read if you pull your hair up and back tightly at the sides it will act as a mini facelift. So I tried it. Besides having two weird looking pony-tail type things on each side of my head I got a headache. It may have pulled my sagging skin up but it also made my eyes a different shape. Scratch this idea.

Maybe I can just take out the wrinkles around my eyes. Someone told me to take two sardines and place one under each eye and leave for 10-15 minutes or longer. I can also place them on my eyelids to reduce the wrinkles and tighten skin. Sardines? Really? Do you know how sardines smell? What do you do with the rest of them? Eat them? Feed them to the cat? I think I may have to skip this procedure. Besides, I read that Preparation H hemorrhoid cream dabbed under the eyes will do the trick. You just can’t use too much because your eyes may close to little slits and you won’t be able to see at all. But your bags and wrinkles will be gone. I may just have to keep my baggy eyes.

At least I can have smooth skin. Some lady discovered that Hellman’s Mayonnaise is just the thing for a facial. I can apply it every day or night, leave it on for 30 minutes then wash my face. The mayonnaise is also good for my hair. While I’m smearing it on my face I can go ahead and lather it on my head too. I’ll cover my hair with a plastic cap or a giant baggie if I can’t find a cap and wait 30 minutes. My hair will be done the same time my face is! Since I’m multitasking I can soften my hands while I wait too. I’ve got honey that I’ll pour into the palm of my hand. I’ll add some sugar and massage the mixture for ten minutes. I’ll have to be careful on the timing on this. If my honey sugar hands touch my mayonnaise face I could end up making salad dressing! Oh yeah, I have to be sure and wash that junk out of my hair when I’m finished. And rinse with vinegar for a great shine! Good thing I decided against the sardines. This is sounding a lot like a recipe for a sandwich filling.

Now it’s time for the rest of the body. All I need is goat’s milk. I’ll soak in a goat’s milk bath. How many quarts of goat’s milk make a tub full? Is it water and goat’s milk? Will sheep milk work? I have sheep outside. Gee…I don’t know, but I’m not supposed to rinse off when I’m finished. Yuck-o. I’m beginning to picture a walking food pyramid! I can dry off at least and after I’m dry I’ll spray a light layer of PAM all over my skin so it will look dewy and shiny but not greasy. It’s suggested I get the plain PAM and not the butter flavored/scented kind so I won’t smell like food. After the mayo, honey and goat’s milk I’m not sure it would matter.

I have makeup tips too. I’ve got a burned match to use for that smoky eye look that’s popular right now. It’s going good until my hand slips and I poke myself in the eye. Now I have grayish black streaks down my face. I guess it will be okay. It’s supposed to look a little smudged. I’m almost ready except for the Vaseline for my eyelashes. I’m going to put it on so my eyelashes will get a sexy, subtle sparkle. That is if it doesn’t get in my eyes and I can’t see. But it’s successful and I see my hair has some problems. I pour 7Up into a squirt bottle, and spray onto my damp hair. The sugar is going to give my hair grip plus add sexy texture! But there are still a few of those annoying flyaway strands so I grab a Bounce and run it through my hair. I’ll keep it in my purse for later so my hair will be frizz free all day long!
I think I’m ready to go. Damn. I can’t get the door open because of the slippery PAM on my hands. There are a couple of flies buzzing my hair. The dogs are following, sniffing. Is it worth it? I think tonight I’ll just try Pepto Bismal. It makes a great facial you know. Rubbing it on your skin makes for a better facial than those peel off masks you can buy at the store. Seriously, it can make your skin feel and look fantastic! So they say.

The littles thought this was Plastic Mamye!

Exfoliate, look great!
Feel guilty 'bout what you ate.
You're buyin' all the books
To learn the latest looks, yeah,
What a way to wanna be.

Working on the green/blue bias shawl. Again. I finished it, put beads on one side and didn’t like it. I think it was eight to ten feet long. And the beads were heavy so it pulled it more. I used number 17 needles but it was too loose. I took it out and am re-doing with size 15. So far I like it. I also finished the strips for another ball. I just have to see if I can get it together now! Wonder if knitting counts for exercise?

Moisturize, exercise, erase the
Rings around your eyes.
Cover what you can,
Get a Coppertone tan, yeah
What a way to wanna be!

Oh, why be perfect, no,
It's not worth it...


  1. Thanks for the smiles (oh, no - more wrinkles) I'm still trying to figure out how to knit on the treadmill to regain my girlish figure...

  2. Love it! And I agree with not worth it to walk around smelling like food and not being able to function...;)

  3. I'm trying to grow old gracefully :D The world sees less and less of REAL age, bodies and beauty. Look at the beauty of Helen Hayes and Katherine Hepburn...they were lovely and without plastic surgery. I'll pass on the botox, puffed up lips and tightly drawn face...those women look SCARY!

  4. Lol! What a funny post. Imagine if you did all that, you'd be followed everywhere by a cloud of flies & the neighbourhood dogs & cats.
    *Although, I have heard the haemorrhoid cream one actually works*

  5. I saw Joan Rivers on TV the other day. It's not worth it! My mom used to rinse our hair with vinegar then water. She said it made it shine more. That's about all of those tips I've tried!

  6. Omg. Awesome. You crack me up. I think I'll stick with eating until the wrinkles smooth out. And couldn't you find a cure with drinking wine?