Sunday, January 16, 2011

All The Lonely People...

Where do they all come from?
All the lonely people,
Where do they all belong?

I was in a coffee shop recently and there was a young man and young woman seated at a table close to where I was waiting. They looked like they were students, maybe. It seemed, from the conversation, they were just getting to know each other. He asked her what she liked to do in her spare time and she told him she liked to read or watch old movies. He said what about hanging out with your friends? She said she didn’t have any friends. He gave her an odd look and told her he was sorry. She said don’t be sorry. I don’t mind being alone. I’m alone a lot.

I know I probably shouldn’t have been eavesdropping but I was right there and really couldn’t help hearing. Their conversation made me think, though. I spend a lot of time alone. Sometimes, even in a group I’m alone. My Mamaw spent a lot of time alone. My mother and my sister do too. Even my daughter does, if you count not having any outside adult company as alone. It doesn’t bother me.

I guess it’s always been that way. I’m married to a worker bee and if he’s awake he’s probably working. There is nothing wrong with that. When the kids were little and home it was me and them when he was working. That’s not to say we didn’t do things as a complete family. We did. But the majority of everyday life, when they were little, was seemingly spent as just me and them.

I'm the only one in my office who does what I do. There are others across the state who do the same thing and I collaborate and work with them even though we all work in our own regions. But at the office I'm alone. Even when I was teaching, I was the only one teaching that subject. Actually, it’s a lot easier that way. I don’t have to please anyone. I just have to do the best I can do to help my teachers. I have had to go with large groups before and I don’t really like it. I can go with the flow but the drama of just deciding where to eat lunch is stressful to me. Multply it by a few days and I am ready to call room service and just stay in!

Oddly enough I’m put in the position of interacting with people I don’t know, all the time in my job. A lot of the time I’ll know not one single person in the group. It usually doesn’t bother me. I can talk to strangers or I can go off by myself. I know some people who won’t eat if they are alone. I’d have starved to death long ago if that was the case for me! The key is whether I feel comfortable or not. If I do, no problem. If I don’t, well, I’m not hanging around.

I’m not an ogre or anything like that. I don’t think so anyway! I really can make friends. And I do have friends. As everyone, I have more acquaintances than true friends, but I’m okay with that. I have a hard time opening up to people because of trust issues from way back. So I don’t. But I can. But I won’t. Again, it’s the trust issues. It seems if I do trust and share, something happens and everything gets thrown back into my face. And it happens every time. One friend asked me if I was in the witness protection program. It made me laugh but it also made me realize just how much I keep to myself.

Eleanor Rigby picks up the rice in the church where a wedding has been.
Lives in a dream.
Waits at the window, wearing the face that she keeps in a jar by the door, who is it for?

One time for a graduate class I had an assignment, silly as it sounds, to explain if I were an animal, what animal it would be. First off, I don’t like that kind of stuff. It’s touchy feely in my opinion. Some of the worst experiences of my life were touchy feely incidents. This was a bit better, however, because it was an online class. I only had to draw the animal and then explain in writing why I picked what I did. I thought about it and finally chose a turtle. My reason was that sometimes I feel like I’m carrying the world on my back. But when it gets really bad all I have to do is pull my head into the shell and I’m safe. There’s a funny thing about turtles. A turtle can never have a friend over to spend the night. That’s because his house is on his back!

Am I lonely? I might be, at least some of the time. But most often I’m okay. It’s been this way so long I really prefer it. I entertain myself, either by watching TV, knitting, reading or using the computer. I participate in social networking and I enjoy that. I think. I try to analyze all of my faults and diagnose why I am the way I am. And I can never figure it out. But it’s all okay.

I picture myself as an old lady. I’m alone. I have some cats, but they can’t come in the house. And sometimes on the weekends the kids might come by. The weekends will seem pretty long. At least that is what my great-grandmother used to say. But I’ll still have the TV, my knitting or some books to read. I might even listen to the radio and sing a little. I don’t know if I’ll still be using the computer or partaking in social networking or if there will even be such a thing. I’ll still be analyzing myself and I’ll come up with the same diagnosis. And I’ll hope, that when I die, someone will notice.

Eleanor Rigby died in the church and was buried along with her name, nobody came.
All the lonely people,
where do they all come from?

I had to improvise on the Anthropologie knock off scarf. I did run out of yarn so I took out part and added another color then finished in the original dark green. Then I made the pompoms out of both yarns. I’m still not decided as to whether it looks okay or not. But it’s done. I'll post a better picture later.

Dark green with turquoise/green blend stripe.
Pom pom out of both yarns.
I started a GAP-tastic Cowl. It's on Ravelry. I found a boo boo so had to fix it. I like it so far.
Now you see it!
Now you don't!
Day 287, January 12, and I’m still knitting! Surprise! I’m being thorough today. Finishing up all the little things, the paperwork and such, that I need to. I choose a thick aqua yarn. Day 288, January 13, and I’m still finishing! There was more than I thought and I didn’t get it all done yesterday. But I did today. I’m almost caught up if anyone can ever be caught up. I chose a rose colored cotton. TGIF! It’s day 289, January 14 and I’m feeling a little cornered. I am pretty independent and I don’t like having to report to people. So I’m not. I’m lying low! I meet Callye and kids in Odessa. Alan even comes up to join us. The littles are coming home with me for the weekend! After a nice supper we head home. Belle chooses to ride with Alan and the boys with me. There isn’t a moment someone isn’t talking! I choose a black and white twist with spots of color throughout. January 15, day 290, I feel wanted. There’s nothing quite like three little kids, all clamoring for your attention. Makes you feel a little important. I choose a warm colored yarn that is orange, gold and green variegated. It’s fuzzy, too, so it reminded me of a warm fuzzy! Ha ha Day 291, January 16, and I’m feeling a little hypocritical! The wanted feeling is turning into demanding! I’ve just forgotten how three littles can need so much attention. But it’s a good demanding, if there can be such a thing! I choose a light blue fuzzy yarn. The little kids are the sunshine of my life. They can always make me smile. They worry that I’m alone when they are gone. I guess they know.

Ah, look at all the lonely people.
Ah, look at all the lonely people.


  1. I know exactly what you mean...I often think to myself "oh look! I'm alone in a crowd!". I don't mind it though. If I am feeling lonely, I can always reach out and invite some company. These days, I feel that I don't have any privacy with my mom living with us and two sons are currently at home (temporarily). I could use some real alone time right about now....

  2. Great post! I can attest that you are certainly not an ogre!

    And by the way.... in a long, long, long time from now, there will be many people that notice when you die. Not only will people notice, they will also be very sad!

  3. @ MK...That's right about being alone in a crowd! I tend to do it to myself though. But I think we all need some alone time. It's your turn!

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  5. @Miss Bee...You are a sweetheart! Can't wait to see you soon!!!

    PS Deleted the first cause of a typo. I wish you could just edit! ha ha

  6. I totally am on of those people that is fine on my own, or with a crowd...I actually like being along, wouldn't wantit forever, but now and then I really enjoy my alone time. Love the stripe on the scarf...

  7. We seem to be a lot alike & married to men who are much alike. Wish we could spend more time together to develop this friendship more. Solitary with my thoughts a lot of the time has been my history.