All The Lonely People...

Where do they all come from?
All the lonely people,
Where do they all belong?

I was in a coffee shop recently and there was a young man and young woman seated at a table close to where I was waiting. They looked like they were students, maybe. It seemed, from the conversation, they were just getting to know each other. He asked her what she liked to do in her spare time and she told him she liked to read or watch old movies. He said what about hanging out with your friends? She said she didn’t have any friends. He gave her an odd look and told her he was sorry. She said don’t be sorry. I don’t mind being alone. I’m alone a lot.

I know I probably shouldn’t have been eavesdropping but I was right there and really couldn’t help hearing. Their conversation made me think, though. I spend a lot of time alone. Sometimes, even in a group I’m alone. My Mamaw spent a lot of time alone. My mother and my sister do too. Even my daughter does, if you count not having any outside adult company as alone. It doesn’t bother me.

I guess it’s always been that way. I’m married to a worker bee and if he’s awake he’s probably working. There is nothing wrong with that. When the kids were little and home it was me and them when he was working. That’s not to say we didn’t do things as a complete family. We did. But the majority of everyday life, when they were little, was seemingly spent as just me and them.

I'm the only one in my office who does what I do. There are others across the state who do the same thing and I collaborate and work with them even though we all work in our own regions. But at the office I'm alone. Even when I was teaching, I was the only one teaching that subject. Actually, it’s a lot easier that way. I don’t have to please anyone. I just have to do the best I can do to help my teachers. I have had to go with large groups before and I don’t really like it. I can go with the flow but the drama of just deciding where to eat lunch is stressful to me. Multply it by a few days and I am ready to call room service and just stay in!

Oddly enough I’m put in the position of interacting with people I don’t know, all the time in my job. A lot of the time I’ll know not one single person in the group. It usually doesn’t bother me. I can talk to strangers or I can go off by myself. I know some people who won’t eat if they are alone. I’d have starved to death long ago if that was the case for me! The key is whether I feel comfortable or not. If I do, no problem. If I don’t, well, I’m not hanging around.

I’m not an ogre or anything like that. I don’t think so anyway! I really can make friends. And I do have friends. As everyone, I have more acquaintances than true friends, but I’m okay with that. I have a hard time opening up to people because of trust issues from way back. So I don’t. But I can. But I won’t. Again, it’s the trust issues. It seems if I do trust and share, something happens and everything gets thrown back into my face. And it happens every time. One friend asked me if I was in the witness protection program. It made me laugh but it also made me realize just how much I keep to myself.

Eleanor Rigby picks up the rice in the church where a wedding has been.

Lives in a dream.

Waits at the window, wearing the face that she keeps in a jar by the door, who is it for?

One time for a graduate class I had an assignment, silly as it sounds, to explain if I were an animal, what animal it would be. First off, I don’t like that kind of stuff. It’s touchy feely in my opinion. Some of the worst experiences of my life were touchy feely incidents. This was a bit better, however, because it was an online class. I only had to draw the animal and then explain in writing why I picked what I did. I thought about it and finally chose a turtle. My reason was that sometimes I feel like I’m carrying the world on my back. But when it gets really bad all I have to do is pull my head into the shell and I’m safe. There’s a funny thing about turtles. A turtle can never have a friend over to spend the night. That’s because his house is on his back!

Am I lonely? I might be, at least some of the time. But most often I’m okay. It’s been this way so long I really prefer it. I entertain myself, either by watching TV, knitting, reading or using the computer. I participate in social networking and I enjoy that. I think. I try to analyze all of my faults and diagnose why I am the way I am. And I can never figure it out. But it’s all okay.

I picture myself as an old lady. I’m alone. I have some cats, but they can’t come in the house. And sometimes on the weekends the kids might come by. The weekends will seem pretty long. At least that is what my great-grandmother used to say. But I’ll still have the TV, my knitting or some books to read. I might even listen to the radio and sing a little. I don’t know if I’ll still be using the computer or partaking in social networking or if there will even be such a thing. I’ll still be analyzing myself and I’ll come up with the same diagnosis. And I’ll hope, that when I die, someone will notice.

Eleanor Rigby died in the church and was buried along with her name, nobody came.

All the lonely people,

where do they all come from?

I had to improvise on the Anthropologie knock off scarf. I did run out of yarn so I took out part and added another color then finished in the original dark green. Then I made the pompoms out of both yarns. I’m still not decided as to whether it looks okay or not. But it’s done. I'll post a better picture later.

Dark green with turquoise/green blend stripe.

Pom pom out of both yarns.

I started a GAP-tastic Cowl. It's on Ravelry. I found a boo boo so had to fix it. I like it so far.

Now you see it!

Now you don't!

Day 287, January 12, and I’m still knitting! Surprise! I’m being thorough today. Finishing up all the little things, the paperwork and such, that I need to. I choose a thick aqua yarn. Day 288, January 13, and I’m still finishing! There was more than I thought and I didn’t get it all done yesterday. But I did today. I’m almost caught up if anyone can ever be caught up. I chose a rose colored cotton. TGIF! It’s day 289, January 14 and I’m feeling a little cornered. I am pretty independent and I don’t like having to report to people. So I’m not. I’m lying low! I meet Callye and kids in Odessa. Alan even comes up to join us. The littles are coming home with me for the weekend! After a nice supper we head home. Belle chooses to ride with Alan and the boys with me. There isn’t a moment someone isn’t talking! I choose a black and white twist with spots of color throughout. January 15, day 290, I feel wanted. There’s nothing quite like three little kids, all clamoring for your attention. Makes you feel a little important. I choose a warm colored yarn that is orange, gold and green variegated. It’s fuzzy, too, so it reminded me of a warm fuzzy! Ha ha Day 291, January 16, and I’m feeling a little hypocritical! The wanted feeling is turning into demanding! I’ve just forgotten how three littles can need so much attention. But it’s a good demanding, if there can be such a thing! I choose a light blue fuzzy yarn. The little kids are the sunshine of my life. They can always make me smile. They worry that I’m alone when they are gone. I guess they know.

 

Ah, look at all the lonely people.

Ah, look at all the lonely people.

Ding Dong! The Witch is Dead

Which old Witch? The Wicked Witch!
Ding Dong! The Wicked Witch is dead.

Have you ever met someone who is just mean? Mean and even borderline evil? Someone who will do things to hurt people, not in a physical way necessarily, and get pleasure from the deed? I have.

As we go through life we’ll all run into mean people. They can be found anywhere; in the workplace, in the general public and sometimes, even at home. Why are they mean? Does it make them feel better about themselves? It seems to me that mean people are mean because of their own inadequacies. They have feelings of weakness, inferiority, or worthlessness, so they strike out to make themselves feel powerful. They use techniques such as dominating, lying to or bullying others. Their arsenal consists of harassment, mockery, and criticism. They search for ways to make people feel bad.

Meanness can disguise itself in many ways. Some people are mean in the pretext of being funny. The other night, while the miners from Chile were being rescued, I was watching television when David Letterman came on. I’m not a fan of any of the late night shows like that but the news had just ended and I hadn’t changed the channel. He started with his usual monologue. He made jokes about the miners. They had experienced such a traumatic event and he’s making fun of them. To me, it seemed like a really mean thing to do. Why I’m not a fan was reinforced and I changed the channel.

 There’s been a lot of coverage on the news lately about people being mean. Some incidents have led to fatal consequences. Bullying is also a regular headline. And don’t think there aren’t so called adults who aren’t bullies. Bullies are another kind of mean people. A bully can be male or female. They can be someone of equal or lesser status or a person in authority. They treat people in an overbearing manner and try intimidation to get what they want or to feel superior.

I ran across a website dealing with bullying. There was a lot of information on bullying in the workforce. I’m interested in that right now. One page talks about ‘serial bullies’. There is a bulleted list with characteristics of a serial bully, in the workplace, in this instance. There are many but I picked out some to share. Does this person work with you? I'm pretty sure they work with me!

• is a convincing, practiced liar and when called to account, will make up anything spontaneously to fit their needs at that moment
• has a Jekyll and Hyde nature - is vile, vicious and vindictive in private, but innocent and charming in front of witnesses
• cannot be trusted or relied upon
• has a deep-seated contempt of clients and coworkers
• is a control freak and has a compulsive need to control everyone and everything
• refuses to be specific and never gives a straight answer

http://www.bullyonline.org/workbully/amibeing.htm

Dealing with mean people on a regular basis can sap the life right out of you. If you don’t come up with a way to cope, your life can be miserable. Just remember that it’s not your fault. A mean person acts that way because of their own lack of self esteem. Being mean makes them feel superior and is the only way they know to think they are better. How can you deal with that? My first instinct is avoidance. I just avoid the person unless forced to deal with them. And then, I don’t deal with them alone. That may sound unprofessional or even chicken, but it saves a lot of anguish if there is a witness. It also intimidates the bully!


If all else fails, do what my mamaw always suggested. Be nice. It really shakes mean people up if you are nice to them. It will definitely catch them off-guard. It will be hard, but it's worth it to see them confused by your behavior. And you can laugh all the way back to your office. In the meantime I think I’ll just keep a bottle of water on my desk.

 Wake up - sleepy head, rub your eyes, get out of bed.
Wake up, the Wicked Witch is dead.
She's gone where the goblins go,
Below - below - below. Yo-ho, let's open up and sing and ring the bells out.

It’s fall! I don’t know if it’s the fall colors or just my moods but the knitayear looks fallish to me. Day 189, October 6, brought relief! A big training was pulled off successfully. I chose a goldish green ribbon. The hint of gold symbolized success, I won the prize! Day 190, October 7, was a busy day. There were three things at once going on. Or maybe four! I got my service award pin, something new at work, and it’ws in increments of five. I’m on my tenth year but because I haven’t finished I got a 5 year pin. Next year I’ll get my 10 year pin. Funny. I chose bright orange yarn because it seemed like a neon light flashing all that was going on. The next day, October 8, day 191, I was able to relax. I’d done all I was supposed to do but there’s always something going on in my job. I like it that way. I was digesting the news of a new boss. I think it will be a very good move for me. I finished a little shawlette/scarf and had a bit of yarn left. It’s a turquoise blended to brown. It reminded me of outside, at a lake or in the mountains, peaceful and relaxing. Day 192, I was feeling appreciated. I was babysitting so my daughter and son-in-law could celebrate his birthday. I brought things to cook and made soup, pumpkin bread and apple crisp. The little kids liked it all and so did the big ones. Alan and Junior came up and we all spent the night. I picked a reddish wool. It seems I’m still attracted to fall colors. A and J left early on day 193, October 10. I stuck around for a while, playing with the kids, getting some more food ready, trying to help out. It was a comfortable time and I’m glad I feel that way at their house. I picked dark olive green yarn. It reminded me of the forest and the calmness there. Calmness might not be the exact word for the chaos at their house but I felt good. Back to work on Monday to face another week. It will be a good week, hopefully and I’ll just remember that good triumphs evil, even if you do have to pour water on it.

Ding Dong' the merry-oh, sing it high, sing it low.Let them know.
The Wicked Witch is dead!

Good Old Desk

Oowah Oowah ah ah ah-ah Oowah Oowah ah

My old desk doesn’t arabesque, in the morning when I first arrive.
It’s a pleasure to see it’s waiting there for me to keep my hopes alive.
Such a comfort to know it’s got no place to go, it’s always there.
It’s the one thing I’ve got, a huge success,
my Good Old Desk.

We are moving and changing offices at work. I’m still not sure why. I’ve been told it’s to foster collaboration. I’ve about decided it’s to get people to clean up their spaces.

Not enough room

When I say office, I say it as a loose term for the place I spend most of my life. The structure is much like a long hallway with six rooms off of it. The rooms have three walls but there is no wall off the hallway. The hallway is called a pod. The places we stay are called cubes. We call them offices, just out of habit.

Getting ready to move

There is not enough room for the things we have to store in our cubes. You’ll look around and see how people have improvised by buying crates or stacking shelves or hoarding the much coveted blue cart. There are stacks on desks, on tables and even on the floor.

Crates, crates and more crates!

Each office has a built in cabinet, bolted to the wall so it can’t be moved. There is one tall bookshelf and one short bookshelf, unless you get lucky and can get someone to agree to you having two tall bookshelves. The desks are leftovers; a hodgepodge of furniture in veritable stages of disrepair. There are two chairs, one for the desk and one in case a visitor stops by. Most people have also secured a table and some sort of hutch like device to increase storage space and make a kind of work surface.

Wall cabinet looking down the pod.

There’s no privacy. With the missing ‘wall’ and no door, any conversation may be overheard. People whisper quietly, stand in corners or even meet elsewhere when there’s something private to discuss. If there is a phone call, depending on how your voice carries, the whole pod may know your business. Some people are extremely loud. It’s almost like they want you to know that the insurance is due next week, it’s time for the annual checkup, the dentist appointment is Tuesday, the oil needs changing in the car and anything else going on in their life. That’s just the personal side. If you want to know business details, just listen.

A hutch on a table for storage.

I’ve been in my ‘office’ for eleven years. I’m in the same space I started in. I’ve never had to move. When you first come to work you inherit whatever is left in the desk from the person before you. They kindly leave you all sorts of treasure in the tall cabinet. Often times the bookshelves are left filled and any file cabinet you inherit is generally packed.

Workspace...filled up!

When you first come you have no idea what can be tossed in the garbage or donated to another unsuspecting consultant. If you ask the wrong person you’ll get the answer that it’s still important information. Yes, it’s from the 1980’s, but it’s good stuff. And you might need it or use it someday. After you’ve been there a few years you become brave and toss without asking.

The big move came as sort of a surprise. There had been rumors for several weeks, but the most vocal rumor mongers vacillated as to whether we would really be moved and how we would be grouped to we wouldn’t be moved at all. When the official email announcement finally arrived almost every person had to move out of their cube and into another one. Some moves were drastic, across the building moves. Some were close. I moved one cube down. This time we had to leave the old furniture and move just our belongings to the new space. The only furniture that you could take with you was the file cabinets.

There were some old ‘new’ desks in a store room. They were offered to the staff. They are sort of big, for our cube space anyway, but have lots of cubby holes. I asked if I could have one of the desks. There were more requests than desks so names were drawn and lo and behold, I became the owner of a new desk. I was also in the right place at the right time and was able to trade the short shelf for another tall shelf. I decided then I would build a wall.

Two tall shelves...soon to be filled!

The move created a domino effect. When the extra office was cleaned out Frank could move. Then John could move to his spot and I could move to John’s spot so that Elizabeth could move to my spot and Angie could move to her spot and so on. When it was your turn to move there wasn’t much warning. Okay, it’s ready, you’re moving. Of course it happened during everyone’s busiest week. And there was pressure. So instead of the weeding out, cleaning up and paring down, things were tossed into boxes and moved to the new space. When it was my turn to move I had two workshops to prepare for and present.

The new desk moved in.

The furniture was set up when I arrived. I had my great new desk and the two shelves with the backs to the outside, creating a makeshift wall. With some help I moved most of the books from the old shelves to the new shelves. I only had the desk and the wall cabinet to empty. The pressure was on to move another desk into my old space because the current desk wasn’t all that great. So while I was gone all of the drawers were dumped into labeled boxes for me. When I came back I hurriedly emptied the cabinet into boxes. As I was taking things out new things were being placed in the cabinet. I just wanted to hurry to get out of the way.

The fake 'doorway'.

I’m in the new office. I like my new desk. I’m still deciding where to put things because there are lots of new cubby holes. But there’s a lot of change from my old desk too. The drawers aren’t in the same places. They aren’t the same size. I’m adjusting well. I’m in the office, just not completely put away. I think I’ve found a new friend in my desk. It’s comforting to be behind my shelves at my desk.

Oowah Oowah ah ah ah-ah Oowah Oowah ah

My old desk never needs a rest, and I’ve never once heard it cry.
I’ve never seen it tease, it’s always there to please me from nine to five.
Such a comfort to know, its dependable and slow, but it’s always there.
It’s the friend I’ve got, a giant of all times,
my Good Old Desk.

After all of the turmoil, pressure and stress, I think the move is a good one for me. I’m not excited about the other people in my pod, but I can deal with it. And I’ll go in behind my shelves, my makeshift wall, and sit at my old desk. I’ll work. I’ll play. I’ll reminisce at my new old desk.

My Old Desk!

I’m keeping up with knitayear, surprisingly enough! There are days when I can’t add to it right away because I don’t have the yarn or I’m out of pocket. But I keep track of how I feel and choose the yarn accordingly and add when I can. Currently I’m caught up! Day 74 is Sunday, a day of rest. I shouldn’t have, because there’s always a lot to be done here, but I did rest. I chose an aqua boucle that seemed peaceful and nice to me. Day 75 I got to work with the doctors at TTUHSC. I always feel useful and welcome when I go there. They are so smart but I have something to offer them in a different capacity. I always feel I have helped. If a doctor takes his time to attend another workshop it must have been of some benefit to him. I chose yellow, with a touch of green and white. It’s a bamboo yarn it’s soft and welcoming, like I feel when I go there. Day 76 was a busy day. Getting ready for workshops, tomorrow and next week. I chose a turquoise fun fur, loosely knit but strong enough to hold things together. I felt exhausted today with all I’ve got going. The turquoise is probably my favorite color. The yarn is strong and decorative but thin and surprising. It reminds me I can do what it takes and hold things together. June 16 was day 77. I worked in the town I live, at the school I left. I did substitute teacher training. I was skeptical but it went extremely well. It’s sometimes hard to work where you live. But this time it was great. I chose a bright ribbon yarn. I felt fulfilled that I had been successful. The bright colors reminded me of being happy and the strength of the ribbon reminded me I am strong. June 17, day 78, is a steel blue homespun yarn. I’m just tired, but the week went well. I did okay. The blue is strong, steady. I have to be reminded, and I’m sad to say it’s frequently, that I am okay and I can do good. I think I’ll print a sign and put it on my new old desk.


Oowah Oowah ah ah ah-ah Oowah Oowah ah

My old desk isn’t picturesque, but it’s happy as a desk can be.
We never say a word, but it’s perfectly alright with me.
For when my hearts on the blow, I just open the drawer of my favorite desk.
And what do I see? But a picture of me working at my Good Old Desk.